Looking around Facebook today, I was struck by all the usual “new year, new start” memes floating around.
And I had a bit of a shitty day today. Feeling weirdly weepy and pissy. Not a good start to my year. The world is a mess and I’m having trouble seeing the light.
My youngest, who is 13 going on 10, is giving me crap about doing things for himself. That wifi password is about to change. Daily.
I’m in flux with a client that verbally agreed to hire me in July, but didn’t after I had surgery and didn’t work for a month… Said client paid me anyway. Very nice. But I am back at 100% and they haven’t offered again. And I’m consulting at a reduced rate. I don’t like the limbo. And between medical bills and kid tutors I am looking at one broke year unless something changes.
I am restless. I’m lucky I know. I’m infinitely grateful. I have love. A house. Food. My health is mostly back. My kids are good kids. No drug addicts, no sociopaths.
But I seem to be a born worrier and fusser.
My back won’t let me have a life again. It gives out after too much sitting or activity. I’m back at PT. It’s was fine before I had to take two and a half months off after surgery. Now I’m back at square one.
Back to the New Year….clean Slate. Feeling obligated to commit to some sort of self improvement list or path every year amplifies my self loathing. I fail every freakin year. So this year I decided on a different approach: one day at a time. And each day has no plan to it. Just a baby step.
I’ll wake up and be nice to my self one day. I’ll catch the crappy self talk.
Next day: before I fall asleep do a gratitude meditation
Next day: wake up and do yoga.
Next day: eat better.
Next day: take a walk.
Next day: a massage.
Next day: contact the local library foundation and ask if they’d like a new web site for free
Next day: try a new recipe with my kids
Next day: write in my novel
Next day: clean a bathroom
Next day: donate stuff
Next day: pick a box in the a garage and go through it; toss; donate and repack in a plastic tub
Next day: write that serious letter to voldemort.
Perhaps small daily victories will help me gather momentum.