In the last couple of weeks, between trying not to watch the news, with all the shootings, and the presidential debates, I have come to the startling conclusion that the news simply likes bad, loudmouthed, mentally disturbed/prone to violence, people more than those who pay their taxes and pay it forward in life. Why are we giving so much air time and thought to BAD NEWS. Why is there no “GOOD NEWS” channel, where we all celebrate the good things that happened today?
I am uncomfortable being a human lately. My head and heart both hurt after seeing how awful we are to each other. Like the main character, John Koffee in The Green Mile, who says he feels all this too much, I confess I suffer from “caring to much for it all” as well. I want to fix everyone. Take away their anger, their hatred of others. I want go get humanity on the same damn page.
So I frequently go down the rabbit hole of human despair in a week. I am unable to change the big scary world. So I hunker down and try and “control”, or put my arms around, my own little world instead. I am nice to check out people, to bank tellers, to medical people, and especially to anyone I run across who is stressed out. (And I absorb that energy simply by being near it and that is exhausting.)
My world is becoming smaller and smaller as I avoid others in some sort of whacked self-preservation efforts. This is bad. I know it is. I am a social being and need people. But negativity sucks what little light of hope I have left in me. I need to laugh more, not listen to people who want to rule this country (rule! like a king!) spout hatred for each other and for various other humans. This is what it has come to? No more tolerance? “Fuck you, I want my share of stuff!”
Sigh. Blech! I need a change of scenery and my physical state and bank account say: NOPE.
So I watch Golden Girls, (Betty White IS my mom), and I laugh and remember the 1990s. Were things simpler then or was I less aware?
That’s another topic entirely.
I compare. I come up short. Always.
I contrast. I come up short.
My self standards are too high and impossible to meet.
Others can have imperfections.
Mine make me unacceptable and unlovable.
Being human. Just here. Not exceptional at anything. Isn’t enough.
In the business world, my personality allows me to be “businesslike”. As an introvert who can act the part of the extrovert when needed, I find I need more titanium at times. It can be exhausting having two sides to ones self, but has become necessary.
The people at the company disappointed me.
They verbally offered me a job in July. Then hemmed and hawed on the paperwork. Fast forward seven months, and to a phone call last week. “We’re going in a different direction.”
I am having trouble compartmentalizing it. I am too sensitive. I take it personally. Don’t look for personal reasons. It is a waste of time.
“STOP TAKING IT PERSONALLY.”
It was a business decision!
But it really is like someone dying – when you are fired or laid off.
Fact: The company didn’t want me anymore.
Fact: I had not done anything unjust or criminal.
Fact: I over did. I did everything they asked me to and more. I delivered on my promise. I always have. I put them on a better track. The company is in a better place.
Fact: They just let me go. There was no discussion. There was no compromise.
Fact: This is the second time this has happened to me in the last year.
I need to reframe it – From now on, I go in and fix the marketing and leave. That’s my shtick. I will always be on the lookout for the next mess to clean up. I will leave before they ask.
My new marketing strategy.
Paying bills. Appointments. Health.
First world stuff.
My “stuff” has shifted. My six word life. “Never on an even keel, EVER.”
The company that (after 90 days) verbally offered me a job in July, (but the paperwork never appeared) has suddenly released me. (I was contracting only.) Not once did I hear anything negative about my work. So I have spent a few days trying, once again, to understand what the hell happened, and I have decided that, like the last job of 3.5 years, that also abruptly let me go, I just will never know.
The thing is, I like closure. So I make up my own reasons. That’s when it gets hard, because I take it on me. Since world hunger is my fault, of course this is too! And it takes me awhile to shift the “reason” over to their side or mutual (In this case, I was expensive for them, and the culture had too many chiefs and not enough Indians).
As I look for work (contract, project, or full time) I also decided to improve on me, by taking some online classes in WordPress, SEO, copywriting, etc., to move my brain into forward-thinking, problem solving, “oh this I can control” mode.
I use a strange method to snap me out of moods or make decisions when I am equivocating. I ask someone I know to, out of the blue, ask me yes or no about the problem. In this case, “Is this job loss going to be a catastrophic event?” Nope. Every single time. Nope. And my gut is usually right.
So. Onward I go. Compartmentalizing, I am learning; out of self preservation.