Writing, Reading, Learning,Thinking

itsokay

 

I am three months post-layoff.

Everything here…

  • Stuck
  • Getting lots of “no thanks”
  • Anxious
  • FREAKINGOUTSOMEDAYS
  • Spending TOO MUCH TIME on LinkedIn
  • Recovering from disappointment (“But they OFFERED me a JOB and then didn’t follow through.”)
  • Hopeful
  • Learning (taking a digital marketing class that’s feeding me with a a fire hose)
  • Looking
  • Applying
  • Laughing (thank you Ellen, thank you Friends)
  • Learning to meditate
  • Having moments of “it will be okay”
  • Wishing I were 35
  • Glad I am not 35
  • Writing

Wondering What Comes Next

Always Bad News?

wakeuphaiku

 

In the last couple of weeks, between trying not to watch the news, with all the shootings, and the presidential debates, I have come to the startling conclusion that the news simply likes bad, loudmouthed, mentally disturbed/prone to violence, people more than those who pay their taxes and pay it forward in life. Why are we giving so much air time and thought to BAD NEWS. Why is there no “GOOD NEWS” channel, where we all celebrate the good things that happened today?

I am uncomfortable being a human lately. My head and heart both hurt after seeing how awful we are to each other. Like the main character, John Koffee in The Green Mile, who says he feels all this too much, I confess I suffer from “caring to much for it all” as well. I want to fix everyone. Take away their anger, their hatred of others. I want go get humanity on the same damn page.

Impossible.

So I frequently go down the rabbit hole of human despair in a week. I am unable to change the big scary world. So I hunker down and try and “control”, or put my arms around, my own little world instead. I am nice to check out people, to bank tellers, to medical people, and especially to anyone I run across who is stressed out. (And I absorb that energy simply by being near it and that is exhausting.)

My world is becoming smaller and smaller as I avoid others in some sort of whacked self-preservation efforts. This is bad. I know it is. I am a social being and need people. But negativity sucks what little light of hope I have left in me. I need to laugh more, not listen to people who want to rule this country (rule! like a king!) spout hatred for each other and for various other humans.  This is what it has come to? No more tolerance? “Fuck you, I want my share of stuff!”

Sigh. Blech! I need a change of scenery and my physical state and bank account say: NOPE.

So I watch Golden Girls, (Betty White IS my mom),  and I laugh and remember the 1990s. Were things simpler then or was I less aware?

That’s another topic entirely.

Chaos Theory

BrokenHeartMy own little world seems so puny by comparison to ALL OF IT. I feel capable sometimes in the former and overwhelmed by the latter.

I gather those close by and help them so I don’t feel powerless.

I grab gratitude like a lifeline. And I try desperately to believe there is a purpose for the chaos, the unfairness, the suffering and the death.

A simple cup of good coffee, and deep breaths and I’m moving around my small world again. Aligning things where I have a tiny bit of control and where love is at the center.

Continue reading “Chaos Theory”

Just Before Hurricane Charley… August 12, 2004

IMAG0324

Livejournal Entry.

Weirdness and chocolate ice cream at 9pm [12 Aug 2004|09:13pm]

So there are two hurricanes headed for Florida (my house) and my older son found a snake in the master bathroom tonite.

Somehow I know these two events are related but I have no idea how.

Last time it was a frog.

Continue reading “Just Before Hurricane Charley… August 12, 2004”