Musings

  
1. ARE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? My first name is my paternal grandpa’s aunt’s (sorta, she was Jennie. I was supposed to be Sarah but we had a dog with that name, the family lore says my dad balked at naming me after an English Springer), my middle name is misspelled as Ellen and was supposed to be Elin after my maternal great grandfather’s middle name. 
2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? I cry watching the news, the Olympics, when my kids are kind. Really cried? I don’t remember. A good sign. Probably last summer after my PEs. 
3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? It depends on the pen I am using. 
4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Salami!
5. DO YOU HAVE ANY KIDS? 2
6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Yes. And I’d be nicer to me than me. 
7. DO YOU USE SARCASM? Fluent.
8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Nope 
9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? For $5M
10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? They don’t make it anymore: Post Fortified Oat Flakes. Their Oatmeal Crisp is close. 
11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Nope. Not when I take them off or put them on. Confounds my husband. My kids do it too. 😂
12. DO YOU THINK YOU’RE STRONG? No. Despite evidence to the contrary. 
13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Coffee
14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? Smile
15. RED OR PINK? Red
16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF? I am very mean to myself. 
17. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING RIGHT NOW? Cropped jeans. Barefoot. 
18. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? Pork potstickers from Trader Joes. 
19. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? ❤️husband loading dishwasher❤️
20. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Peacock blue
21. FAVORITE SMELLS? My mom. Horses. Neither of which I smell often 💔 My husband <— and that is really weird. LOL
22. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? One of my besties : Christina
23. FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH? Nada
24. HAIR COLOR REAL? Not since 2001
25. EYE COLOR? green. I am the 3%
26. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? nope
27. FAVORITE FOOD? Maine lobster roll
28. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Happy Endings
29. LAST MOVIE WATCHED? The Words
30. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Floral
31. SUMMER OR WINTER? Winter
32. HUGS OR KISSES? Hugs
33. FAVORITE DESSERT? Tiramisu 
34. What book are you reading right now? It’s about writer’s block and I cannot remember the name. 
35. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? I don’t use a mouse.
36. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON T.V. LAST NIGHT? The Olympics
37. FAVORITE SOUND? My kids laughter and my husband’s contented sigh. 
38. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Beatles
39. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? Tuscany ❤️❤️❤️
40. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? I can write, but since I currently have writers block and think I suck, I’m going with “no” for now.
41. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Danvers, MA
Your turn! Entertain me. 

Weird Food at a Discount!?

I have a cool store near me called Grocery Outlet. I can get $3 bacon, and three pounds of Mexican blend grated cheese for $7 (don’t laugh we use one a month in this house O’teens), a goat cheese log for $2, balled mozz for under $5, Dave’s Killer Bread at a discount, cereal silly cheap (even Kashi) and…. drum roll:

Heavily discounted premium ice cream!
Brands like Tillamook, Three Twins, Steve’s, Hagen Daaz, Ben and Jerry’s, Snoqualmie… you get the picture. They are $5-7 a pint at Safeway. Here they run $1.99-2.99.

 

13138740_10208571694230459_4516199527920613400_nI file this one under: “This is really weird, but I am not sure if I like it, so I will keep eating it until I figure it out.”

I seem to do that with ice cream.  There’s a Three Twins cardamom flavored one (hmmm), (I have tried the coffee milk, Mexican chocolate, chocolate malt, Madagascar vanilla and strawberry and liked all except the last one) and Snoqualmie makes a lavender flavored one that evokes the same reaction:
“Hmm. This stuff is weird.”
Take another bite. “Yeah, really weird.”
Take another bite. “The weirdest.”
Well crap, now half the pint is gone.

Writing, Reading, Learning,Thinking

itsokay

 

I am three months post-layoff.

Everything here…

  • Stuck
  • Getting lots of “no thanks”
  • Anxious
  • FREAKINGOUTSOMEDAYS
  • Spending TOO MUCH TIME on LinkedIn
  • Recovering from disappointment (“But they OFFERED me a JOB and then didn’t follow through.”)
  • Hopeful
  • Learning (taking a digital marketing class that’s feeding me with a a fire hose)
  • Looking
  • Applying
  • Laughing (thank you Ellen, thank you Friends)
  • Learning to meditate
  • Having moments of “it will be okay”
  • Wishing I were 35
  • Glad I am not 35
  • Writing

Wondering What Comes Next

I can’t stand

  

… Any kind of pot pie. It’s vomit in a pie crust.  And my husband still wants to eat one in front of me.  Someday when he’s really mad at me, I’ll know it. 

… The Jack in the Box giant pointy head clown dude.  Totally creepy. Can’t look at the tv.

… The Burger King dude (same reason)

… The new Coronel Sanders. Creepy-pedophile-like vibe there. Just MY feelings. 

…. Blue Man Group.. For reason I won’t go into here, that have to do with my ex. 

…. Smurfs: same reason as above 

…. My vacuum when it decides to eat the carpet. I makes this incredibly loud BWARRRRRR  that scares the total shit out of me. I let our a shriek every time. Then I have to vacuum with headphones on or my husband does it and I leave the room. Then my boys torture me by yelling BWARRRRRRR at inopportune times. 

… The squirrels outside eating baby mice. Canibals. 

…and I have trypophobia. 

Don’t judge me. We all have our freak flags. 

(And I always had a weird feeling about Subway Jared…)

Ew. Yuck. Just. Acck. 

About this aging thing….

meo

I’d like to Opt Out.

Seriously.  Why was I so sure I would dodge this?   I remember turning 40 and thinking, “Hey, this isn’t so bad. I don’t look or feel any different than I did in my late 30s.”  I kinda cruised through 41, 42, 43 and 44…

Then came 45.

  • My gallbladder quit and had to come out.
  • Cartwheels hurt. (so I stopped)
  • My back issues increased (degenerative disc?!)
  • My endurance vanished (can’t work out)
  • At 48
    • I started to need more sleep and never got it.
    • My colon rebelled. (Diverticulits)
    • My back REALLY went on strike
    • I had to stop riding (read, see my shrink)
  • At 51
    • I had to have colon surgery and my left ovary removed
      • I got Pulmonary Embolisms
      • I got Pancreatitis
    • That tossed me into menopause
      • Hot flashes (how’s 20 a day sound?)
      • Getting up 4 times a night to pee
      • Tired. All. The. Time.
      • No attention span.
      • No endurance.
      • Back really rebelled: can’t hike, bike or walk long distances.
      • Wrinkles.
      • My no ass is now all in my waist.
      • I am five eight and 140

I think we should all stop aging physically at 40 and drop dead at 90.  Perfect solution.

 

Always Bad News?

wakeuphaiku

 

In the last couple of weeks, between trying not to watch the news, with all the shootings, and the presidential debates, I have come to the startling conclusion that the news simply likes bad, loudmouthed, mentally disturbed/prone to violence, people more than those who pay their taxes and pay it forward in life. Why are we giving so much air time and thought to BAD NEWS. Why is there no “GOOD NEWS” channel, where we all celebrate the good things that happened today?

I am uncomfortable being a human lately. My head and heart both hurt after seeing how awful we are to each other. Like the main character, John Koffee in The Green Mile, who says he feels all this too much, I confess I suffer from “caring to much for it all” as well. I want to fix everyone. Take away their anger, their hatred of others. I want go get humanity on the same damn page.

Impossible.

So I frequently go down the rabbit hole of human despair in a week. I am unable to change the big scary world. So I hunker down and try and “control”, or put my arms around, my own little world instead. I am nice to check out people, to bank tellers, to medical people, and especially to anyone I run across who is stressed out. (And I absorb that energy simply by being near it and that is exhausting.)

My world is becoming smaller and smaller as I avoid others in some sort of whacked self-preservation efforts. This is bad. I know it is. I am a social being and need people. But negativity sucks what little light of hope I have left in me. I need to laugh more, not listen to people who want to rule this country (rule! like a king!) spout hatred for each other and for various other humans.  This is what it has come to? No more tolerance? “Fuck you, I want my share of stuff!”

Sigh. Blech! I need a change of scenery and my physical state and bank account say: NOPE.

So I watch Golden Girls, (Betty White IS my mom),  and I laugh and remember the 1990s. Were things simpler then or was I less aware?

That’s another topic entirely.

Depressed Mishmash

12208740_10156192512880514_1455089572779322744_n

  • $1.5B Powerball (I just want the Universe to give me a chance to DO GOOD in the world. More GOOD than my measly attempts to smile at people and pay things forward.)
  • Leg Hot Flashes are a thing and I have them.
  • So are regular hot flashes (and I am having them too).
  • My 13 year old is flunking math, even with a tutor for $300 a month. I am a math dwarf and cannot help him. I am worried about his lack of forethought, disorganization, his not having something he loves to do other than computer games, his weight, his future.
  • I need to REALLY learn WordPress.
  • My consulting client is acting weird.
  • I NEVER seem to save money.
  • I miss my mom. Daily.
  • My back is STILL not allowing me to have a life.
  • I have not slept through the night in at least a month. It’s either my back or a hot flash that wakes me.
  • Syrian children are starving.
  • The human race seems doomed.
  • Global warming.
  • Super bugs
  • Erin Mccarley songs are my “go to” when I am pissy or sad.

    Especially this one.  Which I am singing to my unfinished novel.

    “Gotta Figure This Out”

    I separated my heart from my head
    To feel out what’s inside
    I don’t like what I see, so I say good night

    Don’t wake me ’cause I’m dreaming in color
    Black and white is not my friend
    Candy coated figures hold me in my bed

    I’ve never been so deep inside a shadow
    I’ve never been so insecure of what I know

    I’ve gotta figure it out, I need a story to tell
    Where’s the feeling I long for?
    I’ve gotta figure it out before I lose you, love

    Big city streets are calling me loud
    The busy keeps me high
    Well, this quiet town is wearing me down tonight

    I know that I should stay here for a while
    Listen to the sound of my shaky heart
    Looking for gold in the ground

    I’ve never been so deep inside a shadow
    I’ve never been so insecure of what I know

    I’ve gotta figure it out, I need a story to tell
    Where’s the feeling I long for?
    I’ve gotta figure it out before I lose you
    Before I lose you, love

    It’s not okay to make you wait
    To make you wonder why I
    Can’t hold you close or give you hope
    That this will be all right, I wanna make it right

    I’ve gotta figure this out, I need a story to tell
    Where’s the feeling I long for?
    I’ve gotta figure it out

    I’ve gotta figure this out, I need a story to tell
    Where’s the feeling I long for?
    I’ve gotta figure it out before I lose you
    Before I lose you, before I lose you, love

  • I will probably never ride a horse again. (Which is code for “I will never see a shrink again and I REALLY NEED ONE.”)
  • I feel too much. Always. I cannot watch the news.
  • My second novel is on blocks. (Can’t think of a thing to say.)
  • I need to PLAY more, do more GOOD for others, get out of my weed infested head.  And my body says. NO YOU CAN’T. I am too young for that crap

    Depressing mish mash indeed.

2016 Redux

  

Looking around Facebook today, I was struck by all the usual “new year, new start” memes floating around.  

And I had a bit of a shitty day today.  Feeling weirdly weepy and pissy. Not a good start to my year. The world is a mess and I’m having trouble seeing the light. 
My youngest, who is 13 going on 10,  is giving me crap about doing things for himself.  That wifi password is about to change. Daily. 

 I’m in flux with a client that verbally agreed to hire me in July, but didn’t after I had surgery and didn’t work for a month… Said client paid me anyway.  Very nice. But I am back at 100% and they haven’t offered again. And I’m consulting at a reduced rate.  I don’t like the limbo. And between medical bills and kid tutors I am looking at one broke year unless something changes. 

I am restless.  I’m lucky I know. I’m infinitely grateful. I have love. A house. Food. My health is mostly back. My kids are good kids. No drug addicts, no sociopaths. 

But I seem to be a born worrier and fusser.  

My back won’t let me have a life again. It gives out after too much sitting or activity.  I’m back at PT.  It’s was fine before I had to take two and a half months off after surgery. Now I’m back at square one. 

Back to the New Year….clean Slate.  Feeling obligated to commit to some sort of self improvement list or path every year amplifies my self loathing. I fail every freakin year. So this year I decided on a different approach: one day at a time.  And each day has no plan to it. Just a baby step. 

I’ll wake up and be nice to my self one day. I’ll catch the crappy self talk. 

Next day: before I fall asleep do a gratitude meditation

Next day: wake up and do yoga.

Next day: eat better.

Next day: take a walk.

Next day: a massage.

Next day: contact the local library foundation and ask if they’d like a new web site for free

Next day: try a new recipe with my kids

Next day: write in my novel

Next day: clean a bathroom

Next day: donate stuff

Next day: pick a box in the a garage and go through it; toss; donate and repack in a plastic tub

Next day: write that serious letter to voldemort. 
Perhaps small daily victories will help me gather momentum.

Meaning

There are some days when I just want to be the one that knows how all this works.

Why are we here?

What is the point?

What is death?

What I believe is we are spiritual beings having physical experiences.

That we are energy, and therefore we never end.

That we are connected to the universe, the stars, the dirt, the plants, the animals and each other.

That until we come together as humanity and stop this “my religion over yours mentality” or we are doomed.

That my dad sends me messages sometimes and I hope when the time comes he can teach my mom how.

That death isn’t a goodbye.

That God​ is not up there with a black book, marking down what we each believe or not, what we do and don’t do.

That we have to answer to ourselves when we die.

That love is at the center of it all.