Writing, Reading, Learning,Thinking

itsokay

 

I am three months post-layoff.

Everything here…

  • Stuck
  • Getting lots of “no thanks”
  • Anxious
  • FREAKINGOUTSOMEDAYS
  • Spending TOO MUCH TIME on LinkedIn
  • Recovering from disappointment (“But they OFFERED me a JOB and then didn’t follow through.”)
  • Hopeful
  • Learning (taking a digital marketing class that’s feeding me with a a fire hose)
  • Looking
  • Applying
  • Laughing (thank you Ellen, thank you Friends)
  • Learning to meditate
  • Having moments of “it will be okay”
  • Wishing I were 35
  • Glad I am not 35
  • Writing

Wondering What Comes Next

Real life

Paying bills. Appointments. Health.

First world stuff.

My “stuff” has shifted.  My six word life. “Never on an even keel, EVER.”

The company that (after 90 days) verbally offered me a job in July, (but the paperwork never appeared) has suddenly released me. (I was contracting only.) Not once did I hear anything negative about my work.  So I have spent a few days trying, once again, to understand what the hell happened, and I have decided that, like the last job of 3.5 years, that also abruptly let me go, I just will never know.

The thing is, I like closure. So I make up my own reasons. That’s when it gets hard, because I take it on me. Since world hunger is my fault, of course this is too! And it takes me awhile to shift the “reason” over to their side or mutual (In this case, I was expensive for them, and the culture had too many chiefs and not enough Indians).

As I look for work (contract, project, or full time) I also decided to improve on me, by taking some online classes in WordPress, SEO, copywriting, etc., to move my brain into forward-thinking, problem solving, “oh this I can control” mode.

I use a strange method to snap me out of moods or make decisions when I am equivocating. I ask someone I know to, out of the blue, ask me yes or no about the problem. In this case, “Is this job loss going to be a catastrophic event?”  Nope. Every single time. Nope. And my gut is usually right.

So. Onward I go. Compartmentalizing, I am learning; out of self preservation.