…than I do.
But then. She just is.
She’s not “trying so hard” lately. I marvel at her ability to just be.
I long to be able to…
Originally appeared at More.com.
A visit to an air show helped her connect with the planes that fascinate her and with the pilot father she lost.
It started before I was born. My “plane thing,” as I call it. My dad worked for a large oil company as an aviation fuels marketing manager, and the job gave him liberal use of a 1959 Beech Twin Engine Bonanza for business and personal trips. He was based in Boston in the early ‘60s, and transferred to Illinois when I was 2.
Planes had entered his life long before I had. When he joined the Navy in 1942, he first flew a Stearman he dubbed “the Yellow Peril.” It was his first Navy trainer as he learned to become a flight instructor. Then he flew an SNJ trainer, and finally, an SBD Dauntless. He left the Navy in 1945 when he got married and later told me he wished he had stayed in.
So the Twin Bonanza wasn’t a leap when it “arrived.” He knew planes. While my mother was carrying me in 1962 and into the summer of 1963, I was in that Bonanza going to Wisconsin to visit relatives. This didn’t abate when I arrived. I have a photo of my family in front of it. My dad stands tall and thin, aviator glasses over his blue eyes and his hands on his hips, looking very much like a pilot (all seriousness). The family stood to his left: my auburn haired mother, a kerchief on her head; my sister, tall and blond also in a kerchief; my oldest brother John, in the same glasses and displaying the same pose as my dad; my 5-year-old, dark haired second brother, in overalls; and then a tiny blond girl in overalls that (horrors!) matched her brother’s (2-year-old me).
My fascination for planes — their noise, their lines, the very concept of being that high in the sky — continued unabated into adulthood. But I kept my distance in a way. I wasn’t remotely interested in learning to fly. I have an overdeveloped sense of balance, and my ears and stomach would not allow it. I settled into finding out which ones flew when, the difference between a turbo prop and a jet, how a jet worked. I recognized their sounds when they flew overhead, wanting to be able to identify them in the sky.
When my dad passed away in 2005, I knew I was missing some pieces of his history. I didn’t have regrets, really, just one more day with him, knowing in advance that it was the last one. That is when I would’ve have picked his brain more, and written things down. Instead, I’ve settled for learning more about his aircraft experiences through my older siblings and my mother. (And these conversations generally include large amounts of Wild Turkey and laughter).
So when the opportunity arose to see one of the only, still flying, SBD Dauntlesses at the Planes of Fame Chino Air Show in California, I knew I had to go. My then fiancé, an aerospace engineer by training, a World War II buff by hobby, found my plane (and car, but I digress) fascination unusual. The fact that I had completely lost track of time in the Seattle Air Museum when he and I had gone there, and honestly, was not ready to leave when he was, bordered on the downright weird.
If asked to explain why airplanes were such a big deal to me, I could never do it. Perhaps, like my green eyes, it’s genetic. All I know is it has always been there. Always will be. A plane going overhead will stop me in my tracks, as my eyes seek it, wanting the catalog in my head to determine its type: 737, 747, 767, Beech, Airbus, Learjet, Citation, King Air, Cessna. I recognize engine types when I hear them. I even liked the names: the simplicity of the numerical varieties made some sort of weird Soduku sense to my otherwise mathematically-challenged brain.
We got to the airshow and parked in the middle of a dark brown farm field scattered with nearly white pieces of hay. The earth had been mashed down and slightly watered to contain the dust as SUVs, cars, and trucks bounced over the uneven terrain to park. The hot sun was tempered a bit by a fairly stiff breeze. An introvert to a fault, I am overwhelmed by crowds at times. (When I go to the mall, I go directly to the store I need and leave, I never wander). But on that day, I simply didn’t notice all the other people. my fiance’s son and a good friend of his were with us.
Initially, we wandered around and looked at the planes parked so that we could get close to them. Then my fiance looked down at me, and asked me where I wanted to go. “I want to find it,” I said simply. He took my hand and led me down the wide aisles, winding through the accumulating crowd. I kept my head down, focused on pavement, suddenly wondering if this had been a bad idea. I seemed to be overcome with emotions I had forgotten. I missed my dad in a new way: I wanted him there to tell me about that plane. About places, times. I wanted to hear his sarcasm, his laugh, his repetitive stories. Just once more.
“There she is,” he said, coming to a halt. I took a deep breath, held it, and looked up. Sitting there, 20 feet behind a metal gate, among Helldivers and Spitfires, its nose to me, was the dark-blue, propellered, dive-bomber with the Navy insignia that I knew from photos on my parents’ walls. I let the air out of my lungs. “You’re awfully quiet,” he said, watching me, as I observed the show volunteers remove the chock blocks from behind the plane’s gear. I could only nod from behind my dark glasses. The pilot jumped up onto the wing and climbed inside the front cockpit as I watched. The engine started up noisily, blue smoke coming out from it in protest. The prop rotated slowly once, then twice, until the motor caught. The gear started to move, and as the plane turned to head for the runway, I let out a gasp when the side of it presented itself to me revealing the number 39.
I slid my sunglasses up off my eyes to turn back and look up at him. “The number,” I said quietly, feeling disbelief, total belief, sadness, and delight. “That’s how old my dad was when I was born.”
He smiled. “He’s here again, isn’t he?” he said. I nodded and slid the glasses back down to watch the small, blue dive-bomber lumber down the runway and take off. Its gear went up, and I had to blink several times to fight the tears that welled at the edges of my eyes.
I didn’t want to breathe. Oh he was there.
As I watched the plane turn and climb toward the sun, the poem he loved, “High Flight” by John Magee, went through my head:
Oh! I have slipped the surly bonds of Earth
And danced the skies on laughter-silvered wings;
Sunward I’ve climbed, and joined the tumbling mirth
of sun-split clouds — and done a hundred things
You have not dreamed of — wheeled and soared and swung
High in the sunlit silence. Hov’ring there,
I’ve chased the shouting wind along, and flung
My eager craft through footless halls of air.
Up, up the long, delirious, burning blue,
I’ve topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace
Where never lark, or even eagle flew —
And, while with silent lifting mind I’ve trod
The high untresspassed sanctity of space,
Put out my hand, and touched the face of God.
People wonder whether those who have died can see what is going on “down here.” I can only speak from my experience when I say: Not only do I know this is true, but I also know my dad has had his hands, wishes, and thoughts guiding my life since he passed on in ways he never did when he was alive. And the gap created by his death, while in no way overshadowed, is lessened at times, when he lets me know, in his own way, he’s still got my back.
I have started watching a TV show called Monica the Medium. The woman in it is 22, in college, and talks to the dead. (Or rather, the dead seek her out and talk to her.) She was raised in a religious family and struggled with this gift. It’s fascinating to watch her in it and how she knows things she couldn’t know and touches lives in a positive way: giving them closure, hope and love. (I know this is a TV show, FAKE! STAGED! You say, but stay with me and you’ll understand my perspective).
I think I’d love to have such a gift.
I confess that after my dad passed away in 2005 the thought of dying no longer frightened me. Is this what faith in something is, I wondered. I “just know” he will be waiting with a Cosmo and a “hey kid!” (He called me “kid” up to the day he died, when I was 41 and had two children, three if you count my ex, but I digress.)
I saw a medium one year after he died. A friend of mine had told me about her and she was supposedly the real deal — helped the police solve crimes, things like that. I had started reading a lot of books after he died about near death experiences in an effort to understand what I will probably never understand until I die. It wasn’t so much closure I was looking for. It was more of a “I want to know he’s OK” kind of thing. I ran into some pretty wonderful books which I will list in my next post.
My medium was tiny and British, quietly confident, and gave off this glow. The minute I walked into the reading room she looked at me and said “your dad is laughing and says the four wakes were overkill. Who’s the brown and black dog with him?” My mouth dropped open.
We’d had four wakes: FL, WI, ME and off the coast of Texas thanks to the Navy. None were public.
The dog was Molly, his Yorkie, who died in 2002.
I sat down at a table and she pulled out some tarot cards.
She shuffled them in silence, had me pick six, and laid them in a spread on the table. She flipped over a card.
“You have his watch.”
“He’s spending more time with your mom’s mom than his own.”
(Eva was one of a kind. Love in its purest form.)
“He says he hears you.”
I talk to him every day.
She told me other things but the one thing I will never forget is “be aware.”
Doing that has changed death for me . I’m sure my dad communicates. There are far too many coincidences for them to be that. I’m sure he was involved in my second husband and I finding each other. (He’s a bit like him and my dad would love him and say I finally found the man that deserves me.) Every year on his birthday and death anniversary he sends me a sign. It’s an obscure song on the radio, or a Stearman flying over the house (he flew them in the Navy), a passage in a book, a tv commercial, or a car (a 1992 Olds) in traffic…a light blinking, the fact that he appeared in my husband’s dream, before we married, giving his approval (and my husband never remembers his dreams.)
And weirdest of all: my cat Luna’s death this week. I asked my dad, that night, when I couldn’t sleep, in my fog of grief, to please give me a message that he had her and she was no longer in pain.
And tonight the red Stearman flew over my house.
She’s fine. She’s with my dad. He loved animals. And it makes sense to me that anything connected to me and that I love on earth goes directly to him.
It’s my way of communicating with him.
And it’s working.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about life and being a human being.
(Stop reading now if you’re not in a thoughtful mood.)
I look at people who commit crimes and I wonder about mental illness and chemical or structural issues in the brain that can cause depression and schizophrenia, etc. if this is true, then what if a chemical imbalance is discovered that eliminates the understanding of consequences and empathy? This would sure explain a lot when it comes to inexplicable, horrific crimes that are committed against human beings by another human being. The lack of empathy and the non-existent connection of actions and consequences. The poor impulse control.
And then I go down the road of it being proven that being gay is a genetic mutation.
I’m wondering if being transgender is also a genetic mutation.
Which means that all the religious people who say transgender people and gay people are sick and “choosing” to do “horrible things” don’t understand the science behind this. So science goes out the window when you are religious?
Why on earth would a person choose to be gay or transgender and deal with all of the biases and hatred generated towards them? Who on earth would CHOOSE to be hated so much? None of my gay friends say it’s a choice. They were born this way.
Normal is a setting on a washing machine.
The implications that serial killers and rapists are suffering from a “curable” mental condition means we, as a society must re-examine our judicial and penal systems. And that won’t happen if religion keeps saying these actions are “the devil incarnate”.
Back to the Bible: Jesus preached tolerance and acceptance, and in fact, most religions are mainly about not being a jerk to each other, and lately in all types of religious communities I see nothing but hatred and intolerance. I am really starting to believe religion is the cause of a lot of conflict in the world.
Breaks my heart and shatters my too empathetic soul to see how we treat one another.
All in the name of whatever God we profess to believe in.
(End of philosophical ramble.)
Not her. Not yet.
Not my Luna
Why do we chose to love someone or something (is an animal a “thing” or a “one”?) when it hurts so much when their time on earth ends?
She was a…
Do cats have souls? Is there an afterlife for them? Is it with humans? Did my dad greet her?
What animals have souls? My sons (14 and 17) both gave this answer. “Maybe it has to do with love.”
Cats die everyday. This one mattered. This one hurts. I feel her absence after only 5 years.
I will miss you, Luna bug. I am glad you are no longer suffering.
I have a cool store near me called Grocery Outlet. I can get $3 bacon, and three pounds of Mexican blend grated cheese for $7 (don’t laugh we use one a month in this house O’teens), a goat cheese log for $2, balled mozz for under $5, Dave’s Killer Bread at a discount, cereal silly cheap (even Kashi) and…. drum roll:
Heavily discounted premium ice cream!
Brands like Tillamook, Three Twins, Steve’s, Hagen Daaz, Ben and Jerry’s, Snoqualmie… you get the picture. They are $5-7 a pint at Safeway. Here they run $1.99-2.99.
I file this one under: “This is really weird, but I am not sure if I like it, so I will keep eating it until I figure it out.”
I seem to do that with ice cream. There’s a Three Twins cardamom flavored one (hmmm), (I have tried the coffee milk, Mexican chocolate, chocolate malt, Madagascar vanilla and strawberry and liked all except the last one) and Snoqualmie makes a lavender flavored one that evokes the same reaction:
“Hmm. This stuff is weird.”
Take another bite. “Yeah, really weird.”
Take another bite. “The weirdest.”
Well crap, now half the pint is gone.
I had the privilege of living with a graduate of Johnson & Wales in the 90s. We lived in a four bedroom, 1.5 bath farmhouse owned by a church and paid a mere $450 a month in rent. Frankly, even with no garage in Virginia, it rocked. Whenever she cooked I was in awe. And her baking… it’s a wonder I am not 300#.
Anyway, we’ve kept in touch over the years somehow. She lives in Baltimore while I’m way over in California. The cool thing is SHE STILL COOKS AND BAKES a TON. LOL. Even with teenagers!
So she sent me this. “I changed a few things and it was great!”
Teenager approved! Quote from her 16 year old..” Its like eating at Panera!”
Her photo is a riot…. The one on the recipe page is clearer. 🙂
Email subject lines are becoming…
Here are a few gems from today:
Final Steps Required! Do not ignore!
This one weird trick for _____________
What can you change in seven years
CONFIRM Product order (when I didn’t order anything!)
Free test! Predict your future!
The SPAM folder ones are even better!
Your ATM card worth $1.5M!
The best multiple streams of income EVER!
Understated but sexy
Makes me want to OPT-OUT of everything today. But then I found this, laughed, and deleted a ton of crap from my inbox…
(Photo doesn’t do them justice. They are MUCH darker in real life!)
The recipe photo at the end says it all. It’s stained, and folded and a mess. Well-loved, like a stuffed toy.
I can’t even remember when I found it. I know it was in a copy of the Costco Connection (the company’s member magazine) probably around 2011? 2012?. So, having done recipes from Cooking Light before with decent results, plus being a chocoholic, I was game.
Warning: It’s nothing but trouble. Don’t do it. (Yeah, I am sure you will stop reading now.)
I’ve doubled it. I’ve changed the butter to melted. All worked. The latter made them gooey-er. I confess to changing it at Christmas: removing the cherries and adding 1/2 t of peppermint extract to give me chewy, dark chocolate mint cookies instead.
This is the “experimental” cooking my husband loves.
My son is allergic to peanuts so I only use Guittard chocolate chips (on sale at Big Lots) to avoid the “shared equipment” nightmares. Plus they make this dark, dark version that’s perfect.
I like to cook most of the time. I experiment. My husband marvels at how I know how to “doctor” an existing recipe to make it better. I taste and know what it needs and cannot explain why.
Despite already having so many recipes that I’ll need to live to 400 to try them all, I am always attracted to more. And I get magazines with easily 25 more each every month. I have boxes of magazines in my garage. This is serious. I need help. (Must. Resist. Cooking Light.)
Yes. I am a recipe hoarder.
I have standbys that are getting boring because my youngest (13) is the pickiest eater ever. (I know, I know, don’t be a short order cook.)
These were a HIT! Talk about scarfing them down.
They might not come with soda and a toy, but these three recipes are all you need to conquer crispy-chicken cravings.
There are three, and he picked the last one: