How my mind works…

And I succeeded in capturing my thoughts this time.

I just figured out why our government spends so much money and has mountains of debt.

It’s all hush money to keep those that know about the fake moon landing, the contrails that are poisoning us, the fact that Obama is a Muslim, that 911 was an inside job, that JFK was an inside job, the existence of Area 51, the cure for cancer that the government is hiding, that secret societies rule the world….

……all of the conspiracy theories you can google require hush money.

Musings

  
1. ARE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? My first name is my paternal grandpa’s aunt’s (sorta, she was Jennie. I was supposed to be Sarah but we had a dog with that name, the family lore says my dad balked at naming me after an English Springer), my middle name is misspelled as Ellen and was supposed to be Elin after my maternal great grandfather’s middle name. 
2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? I cry watching the news, the Olympics, when my kids are kind. Really cried? I don’t remember. A good sign. Probably last summer after my PEs. 
3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? It depends on the pen I am using. 
4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Salami!
5. DO YOU HAVE ANY KIDS? 2
6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Yes. And I’d be nicer to me than me. 
7. DO YOU USE SARCASM? Fluent.
8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Nope 
9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? For $5M
10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? They don’t make it anymore: Post Fortified Oat Flakes. Their Oatmeal Crisp is close. 
11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Nope. Not when I take them off or put them on. Confounds my husband. My kids do it too. 😂
12. DO YOU THINK YOU’RE STRONG? No. Despite evidence to the contrary. 
13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Coffee
14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? Smile
15. RED OR PINK? Red
16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF? I am very mean to myself. 
17. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING RIGHT NOW? Cropped jeans. Barefoot. 
18. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? Pork potstickers from Trader Joes. 
19. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? ❤️husband loading dishwasher❤️
20. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Peacock blue
21. FAVORITE SMELLS? My mom. Horses. Neither of which I smell often 💔 My husband <— and that is really weird. LOL
22. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? One of my besties : Christina
23. FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH? Nada
24. HAIR COLOR REAL? Not since 2001
25. EYE COLOR? green. I am the 3%
26. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? nope
27. FAVORITE FOOD? Maine lobster roll
28. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Happy Endings
29. LAST MOVIE WATCHED? The Words
30. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Floral
31. SUMMER OR WINTER? Winter
32. HUGS OR KISSES? Hugs
33. FAVORITE DESSERT? Tiramisu 
34. What book are you reading right now? It’s about writer’s block and I cannot remember the name. 
35. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? I don’t use a mouse.
36. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON T.V. LAST NIGHT? The Olympics
37. FAVORITE SOUND? My kids laughter and my husband’s contented sigh. 
38. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Beatles
39. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? Tuscany ❤️❤️❤️
40. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? I can write, but since I currently have writers block and think I suck, I’m going with “no” for now.
41. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Danvers, MA
Your turn! Entertain me. 

Morning cacophony… 

  
There’s a hell of a noisy tree on the other side of my backyard fence. It constantly chirps and squeaks. Sometimes there’s even a squawk, and then the branches shudder and something falls out of it. Then it gets quiet for a minute before starting all over again. 

The leaves are small and densely packed along the branches. The neighbors trimmed it way back a few years ago and it seemed to recoil and rest awhile, figuring out a strategy. Then it got angry and the period of dormancy stopped. Now it’s twice the size it was before the trimming and reaches over my fence in numerous places. I’m wondering what kind of tree.

Human Life

69348_491732750860176_741360611_n

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about life and being a human being.

(Stop reading now if you’re not in a thoughtful mood.)

I look at people who commit crimes and I wonder about mental illness and chemical or structural issues in the brain that can cause depression and schizophrenia, etc. if this is true, then what if a chemical imbalance is discovered that eliminates the understanding of consequences and empathy? This would sure explain a lot when it comes to inexplicable, horrific crimes that are committed against human beings by another human being. The lack of empathy and the non-existent connection of actions and consequences.  The poor impulse control.

And then I go down the road of it being proven that being gay is a genetic mutation.

I’m wondering if being transgender is also a genetic mutation.

Which means that all the religious people who say transgender people and gay people are sick and “choosing” to do “horrible things” don’t understand the science behind this. So science goes out the window when you are religious?

Why on earth would a person choose to be gay or transgender and deal with all of the biases and hatred generated towards them? Who on earth would CHOOSE to be hated so much? None of my gay friends say it’s a choice. They were born this way.

Normal is a setting on a washing machine.

The implications that serial killers and rapists are suffering from a “curable” mental condition means we, as a society must re-examine our judicial and penal systems. And that won’t happen if religion keeps saying these actions are “the devil incarnate”.

Back to the Bible: Jesus preached tolerance and acceptance, and in fact, most religions are mainly about not being a jerk to each other, and lately in all types of religious communities I see nothing but hatred and intolerance. I am really starting to believe religion is the cause of a lot of conflict in the world.

Breaks my heart and shatters my too empathetic soul to see how we treat one another.

All in the name of whatever God we profess to believe in.

(End of philosophical ramble.)

LikeShow more reactions

Comment

Just for you! Secret! Final Step! Limited Time!

Email subject lines are becoming… 
Damn misleading
Annoying
Repetitive
Just silly

Here are a few gems from today:

Final Steps Required! Do not ignore!

Exclusive invitation!

This one weird trick for _____________

What can you change in seven years

CONFIRM Product order (when I didn’t order anything!)

Free test! Predict your future!

The SPAM folder ones are even better!
Your ATM card worth $1.5M!
The best multiple streams of income EVER!
Understated but sexy

Makes me want to OPT-OUT of everything today.  But then I found this, laughed, and deleted a ton of crap from my inbox…

subjectlines

 

Gut following

soul

Gut following.

“Listen to that inner voice.”

I hear this a lot.  Some gurus refer to it as your inner guidance, your intuitive self, your gut instinct.

And guess what?  Mine is usually right.

It was right about my first marriage, three days before. I went ahead anyway. Divorced in 2008.

It was right when I knew my older child had an issue with his gait and the FL doc said it was nothing. It wasn’t. He had surgery in 2011.

It was right when I met my second husband. (My keeper!)

It was right when I found Mocha (kitten) on petfinder.com. She’s the best cat I have ever had.

It was right when I “just didn’t feel good” and ended up having two PEs headed for my lungs. (Hospital for a night and blood thinners).

I am teaching my sons to listen to theirs. When they have a hard decision to make:
Me: Don’t think, yes or no.
Him: Yes! (or No)
Then 15 minutes later
Me: Yes or no?
Him: Yes! (or No)
One more time, 15 minutes later.
Me: Yes or no?
Him: Yes! (or No).

When you stop getting “wrapped around the axle” or wound up about something, stuck in analysis paralysis, the gut drives the bus for me. It just knows.

And right now, deep in my foundation, away from all the noise, all my doubt all the shouting about how it isn’t going to be okay…

… my gut says:

Yes it is. 

 

 

Writing, Reading, Learning,Thinking

itsokay

 

I am three months post-layoff.

Everything here…

  • Stuck
  • Getting lots of “no thanks”
  • Anxious
  • FREAKINGOUTSOMEDAYS
  • Spending TOO MUCH TIME on LinkedIn
  • Recovering from disappointment (“But they OFFERED me a JOB and then didn’t follow through.”)
  • Hopeful
  • Learning (taking a digital marketing class that’s feeding me with a a fire hose)
  • Looking
  • Applying
  • Laughing (thank you Ellen, thank you Friends)
  • Learning to meditate
  • Having moments of “it will be okay”
  • Wishing I were 35
  • Glad I am not 35
  • Writing

Wondering What Comes Next

Sons: Deja Vu

Capture

I have two boys.  When I moved them from the East Coast to the West Coast, J was 11 and K was 8.  They are now nearly 17 and 13.

They have struggled. I have struggled. Any parent who thinks they are great and know what they are doing is a liar. Most of the time I am lost. I am convinced I am screwing them up irreparably. I am convinced they have HUGE issues, that I haven’t done things right, and it’s my fault.

My youngest (K), now 13 year old, is insecure, negative, slightly overweight, has no fore site, is socially awkward, has few friends, hates school, (has endured THREE math teachers in the last six months due to his teacher going on maternity leave and not coming back), hates sports, and is a computer game freak. He is disorganized, forgets to hand things in, doesn’t care about school, loses things, his room is trashed, and he loves sweets (too much).

I am worried about him. I am sure he will never find his calling.

Then I read this.  I wrote it four years ago about my older son, (J) who is now:

  • Nearly 17
  • A 4.0 junior in high school
  • Motivated, bright, secure, and empathetic.
  • He has a path to college and peers who look to him for help.

But, that is now.  This was then.

Here comes “The Story Of J”  At 13. 

Middle school
Sixth Grade was terrible. He was picked on horribly. And the school isn’t so great about anti bullying. They SAY they are, but I didn’t see that much support. If Jack defended himself, in the school’s eyes he was making it worse. What is that? He had to adjust to two teachers (one for math and science and one for language arts and social studies) instead of one teacher like in 5th grade. He’s very disorganized: Shoves things into his backpack, all crumpled up, and loses things. Does not hand in homework on time, and gets an F but gets A’s on tests. He also walked like a duck, and has size 12.5 feet (really). That didn’t help. He had no peer group he belongs in: he’s not athletic, not brainy (bright), etc. And completely new (no one he knows). He went from being the older son of two to a middle son also. And he went from trying to fill his dad’s shoes with me, (wrongly) to no longer having to do that because he has a stepdad now to adjust to. J’s dad’s a YELLER and very immature. His stepdad is the opposite. J also had to start sharing a room with his brother, and in FL had his own room in a much larger house.

Seventh Grade: Better in some ways. His two leg surgeries for toeing out are over. He has a slight limp and is very flat footed, so still awkward and does not run correctly. Size 12.5 shoe. We’re working on physical exercises for this. And he can start looking for a Jujitsu school which he really wants to try.

He has kids he talks to at school but has never brought one to the house, and never gone to their house. He met some of them at the movies last Friday, I dropped him off. But I’ve never met any of them.

Schoolwork: He’s very disorganized: Shoves things into his backpack, all crumpled up, and loses things. Does not hand in homework on time, and gets an F but gets A’s on tests. We tried various organizational techniques this year and none of them work: he doesn’t care. He’s pretty much a C student and really struggles in Math. Science is best subject but even that has late or missed work.

Back when his dad and I were married: J heard, “you are stupid” “you are dumb” “dummy” “you’re a bad kid” come out of his dad’s mouth and his paternal grandfather’s mouth. So the foundation of this self image is pretty bad.

He is 5-5 and about 150# so needs to lose weight (Doc says around 130 would be fine). So he sees him self as fat, stupid and socially awkward. He relates to older kids and adults far better than his peers.

He loves animals and gets long with them very well. He SAYS he wants to be a vet, but at nearly 13, (his birthday is April8th) he doesn’t make the connection between what he is learning now and being able to do what he wants later. Babies LOVE him. They babble and giggle at him. That’s pretty funny.

He needs to find something he likes/loves that lights a fire under him. And perhaps, the best way is to have him try things. Baseball was a disaster (He ran like a duck in FL when he tried little league). He ended up afraid of the ball. I think jujitsu or swimming? With those big feet! But he needs to choose. He’s not a fan of sports. And needs the exercise.

He’s OCD, Anxiety ridden and has a bit of ADD also (on meds for this). Seeing a shrink, but not making headway (my issue, and looking at that now).

Eighth Grade:
A friend came along.  Then two.  Then three.  By the last quarter of the school year, I told him I would buy him a gaming computer if he got all A’s (except math).  And. He. Did. It.  At eighth grade graduation, he was more than ready to get the hell out of middle school and start high school. 

________________

I could have written most of this RIGHT NOW about K!    I am taken aback, melancholy, and HOPEFUL.

It’s call perspective.  I need to get it.  Daily.

 

Always Bad News?

wakeuphaiku

 

In the last couple of weeks, between trying not to watch the news, with all the shootings, and the presidential debates, I have come to the startling conclusion that the news simply likes bad, loudmouthed, mentally disturbed/prone to violence, people more than those who pay their taxes and pay it forward in life. Why are we giving so much air time and thought to BAD NEWS. Why is there no “GOOD NEWS” channel, where we all celebrate the good things that happened today?

I am uncomfortable being a human lately. My head and heart both hurt after seeing how awful we are to each other. Like the main character, John Koffee in The Green Mile, who says he feels all this too much, I confess I suffer from “caring to much for it all” as well. I want to fix everyone. Take away their anger, their hatred of others. I want go get humanity on the same damn page.

Impossible.

So I frequently go down the rabbit hole of human despair in a week. I am unable to change the big scary world. So I hunker down and try and “control”, or put my arms around, my own little world instead. I am nice to check out people, to bank tellers, to medical people, and especially to anyone I run across who is stressed out. (And I absorb that energy simply by being near it and that is exhausting.)

My world is becoming smaller and smaller as I avoid others in some sort of whacked self-preservation efforts. This is bad. I know it is. I am a social being and need people. But negativity sucks what little light of hope I have left in me. I need to laugh more, not listen to people who want to rule this country (rule! like a king!) spout hatred for each other and for various other humans.  This is what it has come to? No more tolerance? “Fuck you, I want my share of stuff!”

Sigh. Blech! I need a change of scenery and my physical state and bank account say: NOPE.

So I watch Golden Girls, (Betty White IS my mom),  and I laugh and remember the 1990s. Were things simpler then or was I less aware?

That’s another topic entirely.