Do you believe everything happens for a reason, or do we just find reasons after things happen?

Most people are divided into two categories:

1. the ones that thing everything is destiny
2. The ones that think life is a series of random occurrences.

   I am a mix.

And I take issue with the word “reason” in this question.  “Reason” sounds like you have no say in what it is. That  there is only one reason that is mysteriously determined by an outside force. Thanks to a friend’s son’s insight, I prefer the word PURPOSE. 

Why? Purpose feels like I help determine what it is.  Purpose feels like I have, not necessarily control, but “a say or an action” in what it is.

For example: my dad passed away in 2005. I miss him every day. What was the purpose of his death?

1. To show me death is part of life. As I age, it will effect me more and more as my relatives and friends pass on.  His death was just the start. I’ll learn to process it as it comes. This was an intro.
2. To help me live with no regrets. I wish I had one more day with him. I have so much to ask. So his death taught me to ASK NOW.   It taught me to text or call or email loved ones the second I am thinking of them to say “you matter to me. You made an impact on my life. You are important.”
3. To work as a team with my brothers and sisters. My siblings and I work together to rally around my now 88 year old mom who is still living independently, having never lived alone in her life before.  One of us has the brunt of this, as he lives very close by (but it was his choice to have her move there), but the other three of us try and supplement whenever geography, commitments and money allows.
4. To help me develop my own philosophies. I KNOW in my gut, that we do not die. Our bodies do. Energy never dies and we are energy.  I talk to my dad daily. And most of the time, I get an answer. And it is the coolest thing I have ever experienced in my life.  Even friends who call things coincidental have to admit that the things that have happened to me since my dad passed away are inexplicable, lovely, and just keep happening.

The purpose behind my divorce:

1. I can get through shit and shine. What a horrific experience.  Mine was not a quiet one. I sat on the fence, wanting to keep my family together in spite of knowing it wasn’t the best thing FOR ME, and that I was turning into someone I didn’t like and my parents and siblings didn’t know.
2. I learned my children deserved a better mother than an emotionally abused wreck.  After my ex moved out I could breathe in a way I had not been able to in several years. I liked who I was for the first time in a decade.
3. I learned that I could count on others. I leaned and counted on family and friends in ways I never knew I could. I found out that they wanted the old me back. They listened. They backed me up.
4. I found me again.  I am pretty smart, but not a genius. I have ALWAYS been able to take care of my self and my kids emotionally and financially. I have too big a heart sometimes and let my freak flag fly.
5. As my dad told me when I was 23 “Don’t settle”.  I realized my deal breakers and that I would rather be alone/a single parent than have a dysfunctional, damaging relationship.
6. I found a true partner. My goodness. And my dad had a hand in his delivery.  There were too many coincidences.
   1. Last name started with same letter and same # of syllables
      His mom was born in Dec. So was mine
      His mom was in public heath, so was mine
      His profile on the dating site said : Points for long hair, green eyes, change own oil (put a big fat check mark next to them all)
      We lived 20 miles from each other when we were four years old.  IN Illinois
      Both love Cars, cars, cars
      Both owned a civic SI
      We take Coffee same way
      We share a love of dark Chocolate
      We dip baby carrots in hummus
      We are both cereal freaks (biggest cabinet in kitchen)
      Same weird eating habits – we forget to eat and we love to graze
      We both met our Ex’s in personals same year
      Son’s soccer coach.. Oviedo Street (I lived in Oviedo, FL when we met)
      Both like cats
      The name of the street he lived on was nearly the same as my mom’s maiden name.
      Audi in my FL work parking lot – from a San Diego dealer down street from his partner’s tire place
      Son Alexander – My sister has a son with same name
      Love Monty python
      I had a weird personalized plate in FL – Latin  – he guessed meaning
      Both like Hawaiian Pizza
      Red wine and good bread and real butter
      Reference in his profile to Bucket List  ( have one and we both loved the movie)
      Knew about the Foster Brooks routine my dad loved
      Reference to Sleepless in Seattle scenes
      He was looking at funny posters online one day – the same ones were in my FL office and I hadn’t told him.
      Watching Over the Hedge with my kids. “Let’s name him _____ “<— his name
      Frequent, simultaneous texting
      My novel had a section in Vegas. I had never been. We met online and decided to meet in person in Vegas.
      There was a painting in catalog with our two names as the example and my name isn’t common
      My cousin had house for sale in Madison, WI and his sister Sophia is real estate agent in Madison.  I put them in touch and she sold it.
      We both had gerbils as kids
      Both Googled falling in love but never met (told each other later)
      We both love Engine noises
      We are both into WWII planes…
      and the list kept getting added to….

I am not a control freak.  I tend to think some of our decisions determine our destiny, especially when they are BIG choices.  But I also think some things are just, for lack of better phrasing, “meant to be.”  Some of them though, are not meant to be permanent.

Life is beautiful, horrible mix of choices and occurrences, baked in a beautiful pie.  I just add dark chocolate to help the not so great parts go down better.